The Story of a Lifetime

So my local newspaper has been notorious for it's crazy headline stories. Living on an Island, not much happens, so some pretty silly stuff can make the front page. My personal favorite used to be "Lawnmower Man disrupts free concert," followed a year later by "Noisy concert foe arrested." Same guy. Same file photo used on the front page. I loved it, even making a photocopy and bringing it with me to BC to post up on the wall of my dorm room. But the Lawnmower series may have finally gotten a serious contender. I picked up the local Whidbey News Times yesterday and read the front page headline... "Man sans pants steals dog, truck, wreaks havoc." Seriously. Read the article, it's classic. Especially the part about stealing the truck:

"Next, Hooper and the dog, which he apparently renamed 'Ruff Ruff,' drove over to Golf Course Road and stole a dump truck."

Now, just imagine yourself as that dog for a while. I don't know about you, but growing up with two dogs, I always did want to trade places with them for a day. So imagine becoming this dog for this one day. For the sake of the story, let's pretend the dog's name is Griffey, which I think would be an awesome name for a dog and tops the list of names I want to give my first dog.

Griffey's Adventure:

So I woke up today, just like every day. Thought I'd be doing the same old stuff, you know? As soon as the sun rises and the birds start chirping, I stroll around my kennel a bit until the master comes and feeds me, takes me out for a walk around the neighborhood. I saw Fido as usual. Sparky was licking his balls on the front porch as usual. That dog needs a bitch. Seriously needs to get laid. I don't think I've ever walked by his house without seeing him licking his own balls. Anyway, the rest of the walk went as usual. Chased a few birds, a squirrel. Some cat even tried to act all tough around me so I yelled at it, and the thing ran away. I can't stand cats. They're worse than small dogs like Sparky.

Anyway, I got back home and took a nap, and then all of a sudden, there's this crazy guy who has pulled into the driveway and is walking towards my kennel. I mean WTF is this stumbling guy doing? But he's got this aura about him, seems like he's ready for adventure. He opens my cage up and picks me up. I'm totally digging this guy. I don't know where he's taking me, but I like the way it sounds.

So we're driving down the road, and this guy is just rambling on and on about being fired from the Navy. I'm like, dude, relax, roll a J and forget about it. He looked at me and yells, "WHAT? YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" It's about time somebody starts to understand me. Then all of a sudden, this dude drives off the road and into a fence. What is this guy thinking? He's just yelling and cursing about how he couldn't bust through the fence, so he backs up and we take off again. Pretty soon we pull into a construction site. Then my day gets REALLY wild.

This dude takes his pants off. Off. Takes. The pants. Off. Boxers too. This guy is just standing there in all his glory from the waist down, drops his pants into the front seat, and grabs me. I'm thinking, what is this sicko going to do to me? I ask him, "Why the hell did you take your pants off, dude?" "Oh," he replied, "I got hot. But don't worry about them. They were on sale."

Next thing I know, this guy has hoisted me into this freakin' huge rig. Master rolls in his F250, which I used to think was a beast of a truck. But this thing was freakin' huge. And what do you know, dude is going to let me drive! I somehow manage to get my paws down on the gas, but I can barely steer. I plow through a rock wall on to the road, and immediately run into two cars. "RUFF RUFF WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?" I replied the obvious, "I'm a freakin' dog, dude. What do you expect?" The police showed up a little while later, and this dude got hauled off in an ambulance. But the K9 unit came, and this hot little German Shepard asked for my number. Score. Griffey's back on top, baby!